Refer to Communication Style Overview to understand the basics of submissive, assertive, and aggressive communication styles. This post dives deeper into the three different communication styles so we can learn how to be more effective communicators in our personal and professional lives. 

Few Understand Communication Style

I continue to be amazed at the number of people who have never been exposed to the concept of communication style in a personal or professional setting.  Yet, once people understand the three different communication styles and the implications of each style, there is more deliberate focus away from the extremes – submissive and aggressive – and more concentration towards assertive communication. 

Half the battle is just being aware that these three communication styles and their implications exist. Once people “get”the different communication styles, then they can shape their own communication style and that of their children to one that is most appropriate for successful relationship management – the assertive communication style. 

Submissive

This style of communication is typically characterized by difficulty communicating needs, wants, and feelings to others. 

When I attended a conflict management class, each participant had to complete an online assessment in order to have some personal knowledge of communication style prior to the class. I was surprised at how many class participants had been categorized as submissive. While we tend to think of an aggressive communication style as the worst, a submissive communication style comes in at a close second. 

For example, at first glance, it appears that submissives are easier to get along with than aggressors. However, without a direct and frank discussion about needs, wants and feelings in a constructive way by the submissive spouse or partner, the other half of the relationship has to guess why the submissive spouse or partner is upset, and frequently the guess is wrong. As such, frustration can build in sub-missives because their needs and wants aren’t being addressed (they don’t realize it is because they haven’t clearly articulated these needs and wants) and they get the perception that their feelings aren’t being acknowledged.

At this stage, from seemingly out of nowhere, the submissive person can explode with anger and a major conflict ensues. Repeat this cycle a number of times and you get the idea how frustrating this can be for both parties involved. If the issues are not addressed in a positive, constructive manner, the relationship can be difficult if not impossible to repair, ultimately leading to a separation or divorce. Taken to the extreme, a submissive communication style can be perceived as passive-aggressive behavior with potentially even more dire consequences.

A person with a submissive communication style at work, typically is “walked all over” by those workers and customers who are more aggressive. Not only can this treatment result in real frustration for sub-missives, it can also lead to a slower career path with lower prestige and compensation. 

In school, a submissive communication style can lead the more aggressive child to intimidate, dominate, control and bully the submissive child. It is much more difficult to bully an assertive child.

As adults, we can help our children learn at a young age, being submissive is not a good way to articulate our needs, wants, and feelings. That it is okay to express personal needs, wants and feelings as long as it is done in kind, constructive, and respectful way, with compromises as appropriate. 

Assertive

Communicating in an assertive manner includes valuing your needs, wants, and feelings as equal to those needs, wants, and feelings of others. It is a “give and take” approach so there is a win/win outcome. Assertive people communicate in a direct, honest, open, respectful, and straightforward manner, and address their concerns as they occur instead of letting the frustration build.  Assertiveness is the communication style that is the most successful approach for positive relationship management.   

So if assertiveness is the best communication style, why aren’t there more people with this communication approach? The most notable reason is a fear of rejection or disapproval. This is especially true in the Midwest. For example, “Minnesota Nice” kind of goes with the old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.

We are so afraid we will hurt the other person’s feelings if we are honest and direct, that we keep our opinions and feelings to ourselves. Unfortunately, in the end, we are really doing ourselves and our peers a disservice by keeping quiet. As long as assertiveness is practiced in a kind, respectful way, this is the best way to communicate. This is the lesson we need to teach our children so they can grow up to be successful in life, at school, and work. 

Finally, there is no guarantee that if you use an assertive communication style you will get you what you want and need. However, being assertive in your communication style is much more likley to get you the results you desire, in lieu of aggression or submission.  

Aggressive

Most people who express themselves aggressively, tend to be very demanding, selfish, and inflexible most of the time. Aggressive people don’t really care about the needs, feelings, or opinions of other people.  

While some aggressive people have had limited success in their professional careers, over time, the aggressive communicator has fallen out of favor in the more modern workplace.  Also, people with this communication style tend to have a difficult time maintaining positive personal relationships as well. People today expect to be treated with respect from everyone around them, regardless of the communication style of others. 

Even in sports, coaches have focused less on aggressive tactics because players who are aggressive in a game tend to get unnecessary penalties that do not add value and help the team win. 

Parents should monitor play time to make sure their children are communicating with an assertive style, especially when the discussion gets more heated and intense. This is the perfect time to teach children to be assertive, not submissive or aggressive, when hostilities begin. 

Aggressive communication may appear to be successful in the short-term, but over time it usually damages the individual or team relationship beyond repair, resulting in a negative relationship and its associated unhappiness. 

The children who are most aggressive, can sometimes be the worst bullies. As adults, we want to eliminate bullying in all areas of life, school, and work. We each need to do our part. 

Needs Overview

If we think about communication style relative to needs, aggressive people tend to primarily focus on their own needs without consideration for the needs of other people. On the other hand, submissive people tend to put other people’s  needs ahead of their own on most occasions, to their detriment. People with an assertive communication style tend to find a nice balance between meeting their own needs and those of others, a “give and take” type of approach.

The overlap section or assertive communication style (see image below) is where you and your children should try to operate most of the time. The assertive communication style maintains positive relationships for all parties, while successfully resolving  difficult, emotional, and conflict-oriented issues. 

Different Styles with Different People

Sometimes we communicate or act differently when we are with different people. Remember, each person with whom we interact also has their own communication style. Our personal feelings regarding this individual also plays a major role in how we communicate.

Some people may come across as intimidating or controlling when around you, some people may frequently defer to you or not express their opinions because they desperately want to be liked by you, other people may give and take with you because they feel like equals.

Who you are interacting with impacts which of these three communication styles you are most likely to demonstrate. However, in general, your communication style tends to remain constant over time. 

Great Links on Communication Style 

Great Summary & Examples for the Three Communication Styles

Assertiveness Training for Children 

Dealing with Aggressive Bullies